Donnesha A. Blake, Ph.D.

xelamanrique318:

EXCUSE ME.

(via skirtsandbowties)

aya-philo:

Black queer love is beautiful and radical.

(via newyaya-deactivated20220304)

A few preliminary goals/intentions for 2019. These are things I will be intentional about in 2019. I think I’m going to spend a few posts going through each goal and outlining the “why” for each one. I’ve been watching a personal growth and development YouTuber named Stacey Flowers, and she always urges her audience to define what their “why” is when they are trying to budget. She also encourages her audience to figure out what their budgeting philosophy is so that they can decide what their “why” is. I want to define my personal philosophy. I want to find greater BALANCE in 2019, and that means finding new ways to be open, but also new ways to set boundaries. So over the next few days, I’m going to be reflecting on this past year. 2018 has been amazing to me! I will also be setting some intentions for next year over the next few days. I’ve already ordered my sage and palo santo to cleanse my new space. But one thing I’ll be doing is working on my energy. So here’s to a new year! 

Being more vulnerable, creating honest intimacy.

Set better boundaries in dating.

Give myself a manicure once a week.

Wash and condition my hair once a week.

Meal plan.

Work out Tuesdays and Thursday each week.

Create a fund for travel and vacation.

Create an emergency fund with money for hiring movers and with money to cover living expenses for 3 months.

Write one blog post a month.

Read and review one book a month. 

Well, I did it. I finished a Ph.D. program! I’m a Doctor (theoretically speaking) as they say. I am so excited to start using this site again to write and process in 2019. In years past, I used to be so “anti-resolutions.” But toward the second half of this year, I fell into the minimalism, budgeting, and planning realm of YouTube. Here, I learned that it’s okay to plan, to set goals, and to have a vision. We do really speak things into existence and so I have been thinking more positively about what I want to manifest in 2019. So yes, new year, same and better me. Because we evolve over here! 

So my goals for an ultra-productive semester was to check my email less, say no more, and follow the 80/20 rule. 

I’ve succeeded at maybe 2 of these things. 

I said no 2 more times to students. I didn’t even offer an explanation. It was hard not to fall on my sword and give the laundry list of reasons why I’ve chosen not to be a reference or letter writer, but it had to be done. 

I’m struggling with checking my emails. There are so many application deadlines and things that I’m waiting to hear got submitted. But checking my email compulsively won’t change my fate. 

Still trying to write every day. In my last post, I explained that I haven’t been as focused. But the dissertation document gets opened up every day, and words get typed. Just not as many or a fluidly as I would like them to sound. 

I’ve been having trouble focusing on dissertation writing these past few days. It’s two days before a major predoctoral fellowship is due, so I’ve been ruthlessly checking my application materials to ensure that I don’t fuck up the most minuscule thing. But over the course of the month, I’ve been trying to keep to myself with these fellowship applications. I’m applying for the same programs as a friend and I’ve been a bit tight-lipped about my process. 

I tend to be really competitive about academic positions. I won’t deliberately sabotage someone, but what I am learning is that I get really irritated when someone treats what I know to be a competition, like a “we’re all in this together” type of event. Its cute a first, but I am realizing that I want to forge my own path. It’s not that I don’t want to support my friends, but I do feel like there should be boundaries to the process. 

Some people can be completely transparent about the process. Reminding each other of deadlines, talking about the status of their application, asking questions about a particular instruction that seems unclear. However, I feel like I don’t want to share all of those things with my competitor. I want to keep things to myself and just apply for things on my own. Now if we were applying for completely separate positions, or I had gotten the same awards the year prior, I think I would be more open to helping. But my friend tends to be a little lazy or should I say maybe not as detail oriented when it comes to knowing information about the applications. So they’ll ask me, “Hey do you know where the due dates are for the fellowships?” “Hey, do we need a cover sheet for this?” “Hey has our advisor submitted your letter of rec yet?” “Hey did you know they changed the requirements for this program?” These questions seem harmless if you have nothing to lose, and I don’t because those things aren’t promised to me, but being all the way real, I just don’t want to give someone an advantage over me. This could backfire, but I do feel like so long as I don’t sabotage my friend, I shouldn’t be responsible for knowing stuff about my application and his application too. 

I was talking to my therapist a few weeks ago about how annoyed I am with my friend and how guilty I feel that I don’t want to share my knowledge, hand-hold, or provide emotional labor during this process.  She asked me if I were a man, would I feel guilty. Kind of shocked, I answered no, I probably wouldn’t feel guilty. I would also make it clear that I’m not telling him any information and that he’s on his own. No matter gay, straight, feminine or masculine, men surround themselves with women can at times require their women friends to nurture them and be their emotional support when the reality is, women have a lot of things pulling at them and requiring their emotional, mental, and physical labor is particularly egregious sometimes.

I do wish that I would have established these boundaries earlier, but I know moving forward, I will never reveal what I am applying for especially if it’s the same position. I think that it’s important to know that hey I support you, but let’s not act like this is a position for the both of us. Even if they are, let’s try to be independent and do things on our own. Especially when it comes to the same things like looking up information. To me, it’s important that I figure information out for myself instead of relying on other to know everything. Also, it’s okay to not put yourself in the position to be the nurturer. I also learned that it’s okay to temporarily set a boundary and forge my own path. Again people are resilient you don’t have to be there for people all the time. Sometimes you have to be there for yourself.

Full stop.

About to get feedback from my toughest committee members on a predoctoral fellowship application. Not sure what the feedback will be, didn’t really ask for it, but I’m drinking wine so I don’t end our conversation crying. I know you need feedback to get better, you need feedback to get better. The wine is starting to hit.

I also want students to reference what class they are in. I almost deleted a student email because I thought it was spam. Girl.

Yesterday after having a super productive day, I got home and realized that I was doing nothing but sitting around watching TV. Feeling bored, and guilty from that boredom, I began looking for ways to be more productive after work. I am tired of spending my evenings watching trash TV, scrolling IG, and compulsively checking email. Like many of us, I have fallen down the rabbit hole of watching hours of TV and being on social media, when the reality is I’m not enjoying life. I’m an introvert so I don’t really like leaving my house once I come back, but there has to be more that I can do after working, than to do more work, or suck my soul dry with trash TV.

Well I didn’t find the best solution yet. Meditation and yoga just don’t sound appealing right now. But I want to move into a space where I am more mindful about what I am allowing into my spirit. I need good energy to keep me going and watching people fight, or liking a bunch of posts from people also talking about how productive they are, is not helping me. I need to clear my mind.

So I did come across an article that listed 15 things ultra productive people do. While I won’t list the entire thing. There were a few behaviors on the list that I either am working on, or want to work on.

1. They check email only a few times a day.

This is one I am definitely needing to work on. I have been obsessing over email, waiting for responses to requests, or waiting for announcement about major developments in the department. But to my not surprise, it’s just a bunch of forwarded emails about conferences and fellowships and jobs. Which are good but none of them apply to me. So my new plan is to check my email at 9:00 before my MWF class in case students need something. On my non teaching days T/Th email will be checked after noon. That way I can write freely without spending most of my morning checking email. The second time I plan to check email is 4:00 PM. That’s towards the end of the day. In committing myself to not letting students run my life, I am dedicated to the idea that if it wasn’t asked before 5:00 PM, it can be answered at 9:00 AM. Also no one’s urgency is my emergency.

2. They say no to everything.

I tend to always say yes to people even if I don’t really want to do it. I’ll convince myself that I am being a good person by saying yes. But the reality is saying no helps to maintain your sanity so that you can be the good person you think you are. I like the quote, “If it’s not a hell YEAH, it’s a no,” because often times I say yes to things I only feel “so so” about. This semester I turned down two requests for letters of recommendation. One. just came too close the student’s deadline. The other one was just not a hell YEAH for me. I only felt luke warm about this student and so I thought, do I give up my precious work time to write a letter for a student who didn’t really stand out to me. NO! Students are resilient and they will find someone else to make things happen. They usually go with the path of least resistance first, so someone else is on their mind as a potential letter writer. But saying no twice felt good. Also not saying yes right away felt good. A student asked me if I could be on a panel later in the semester and instead of saying yes right away, I told her to send me more information and I’ll check my availability. That way I can say no by saying I’m unavailable rather than backtrack because I had already agreed. So no is getting easier. The next round of no’s is to friends who want to hangout. A lot of times friends will suggest that we go to dinner after working out, or suggest a place that I’m kinda lukewarm about. I am trying to go on a trip to London so every little penny saved counts. So when a suggestion to hangout comes up, my response, I’m trying to save for this trip right now. It’s a no, with a reason. Even though I don’t need one.

3. They follow the 80/20 rule.

This is the idea that 80% of outcomes come from 20% of activities. This means I need to figure out which activities will drive the greatest results and ignore the rest. Last week I had scheduled to attend all these different workshops for this digital humanities program on campus. Now while I’m trying to market myself as a digital scholar because that’s the wave, my heart is in fashion. I already finished my digital heavy chapter, so I thought to myself, why am I going to these workshops. Sure they would look good on my resume, but having my chapter done and submitted to my advisor would also put me closer to finishing. I decided to stay on campus after class and write for 3 hours. I didn’t waste my time attending a workshop that has no bearing on my time to degree. It’s making choices like this that will get me closer to finishing. I do realize that I can’t work around the clock so I am also figuring out what activities will boost my energy and spirit. This semester I’m committed to doing things that make sense for writing my dissertation and publishing. If it’s not going to get me closer to having words on a paper, then it’s a no.

These are the three that I’m going to work on for now. There are a few more I want to write about, but I have to buy a plane ticket.

K bye.

Yesterday I submitted a draft of one of my chapters. It feels so good because there was a few hurt feelings associated with the different parts of that chapter. Now on to the next one. I can’t stop. I have to resist the urge to crash, tomorrow I’m up earlier grinding.

The publication didn’t pan out and it hurts. It hurts because I was so close
to the thing that I wanted, but unknowingly far away. I decided to withdraw bc in my gut, I knew this would not work out. I’m trying to walk away from this experience remembering that I learned something, and I protected my work and my time. But even though I know I probably dodged a bullet, I still feel stung. I know I shouldn’t feel mad, bc I walked away before being rejected. But I’m mostly tired of people not being straightforward. Like I don’t live off of hope, if I sense you’re not feeling me, I move forward and pretend you don’t exist. Just tell me it didn’t work out, don’t expect me to bend and shape myself into who you want me to be. We have to be more honest when something doesn’t fit. Never force it. I guess that’s the lesson today.

Today I submitted my revisions for a publication. It was a very intense process, but I’m proud I did it. Onward.